


spin up!

by LadyAllana



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dysfunctional Relationships, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, they struggle for a decade but get it right eventually I guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:21:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27661282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyAllana/pseuds/LadyAllana
Summary: About relationships that were, relationships that could be, the steps not taken, and what has been a long time coming.-Black Suit era. Eunhyuk has returned and in his absence, Yesung has learned how to act brave.
Relationships: Kim Jongwoon | Yesung/Lee Hyukjae | Eunhyuk
Comments: 3
Kudos: 37





	spin up!

**Author's Note:**

> Last year I started a YeHyuk series as a birthday present to myself. Well, the year has sucked but I've decided to make it a tradition to honor the fifteenth anniversary of our lovely idiots. 
> 
> So well, here is another how they got together take from your angsty author :) Tom and Jerry take two.
> 
> Black Suit era. 
> 
> \- the title is kind of a joke on the lyrics? I really couldn't find anything else to call this mess.

In Tokyo Dome, they stand as four.

A mere 10 years ago it would have been the dream, for all of them he thinks, bile rising in their throats when they finally got the news, when he got cut from a line that debuted five, when they first found out, unlike their friends they would stand on stage as an army of men, one among many, unrecognizable.

Now bile rises in his throat, sore from singing parts meant for five, six, seven people, the stage ice cold under the hellish heat of the spotlight because reaching every part of the audience means stretching themselves thin, cutting off contact, cutting off heat, ghosts of memories filling the empty spaces, reaching, rising, shouting.

The roars of the crowd feel like whispers of the wind, he cannot hear his own voice.

Next to him but a whole continent away Jungsoo hyung is crying and Heechul hyung and Donghee are laughing, forcefully, desperately, like clowns in an empty circus that must keep on going lest they get mad with the meaninglessness of it all.

He thinks, just this once if he were to get to his knees just for one minute, just for a single moment of rest… but no, he would never be able to get up. Not without the others to bring him back up. Not when he can see the lines of worry around Heechul hyungs lips and Donghee’s silent communication with the crew backstage. His heart aches for what he can’t have, the pain lingers, reaching his fingertips, the touch of his microphone ice cold.

He would have sold his soul once for a moment like this, the stage and empty desert, sun shining on the four of them, Yesung, alone, in the middle, able to show his talents for the whole world to see. He closes his eyes, lets the sound of the audience wash over him.

Tries not to drown.

Heechul hyung takes the lead, tired, in pain but always there when Jungsoo hyung needs him.

He too, can be here, can be present, can refuse to be trapped in memories.

I need you.

I need you.

I need you.

If he pretends not to know who he is calling for, maybe he will be okay.

*

_Yongwoon hyung looks at them questioningly at the breakfast table. Hyukjae blushes and looks away._

_Jongwoon holds his gaze for a moment of silent understanding. There are some things that cannot, should not, will not happen._

_He won’t let it happen again._

_Hyung gets up to help Jungsoo hyung with Ryeowook’s homework._

_No one brings anything up again._

_*_

Deep, unstable breaths...

Breathe in, breath in, in and in until it feels like a stone in your throat, your heart beating there, threatening to come out of your mouth. He watches Hyukjae, hair closely shaved and in army green, giving his final bow to the fans who have come to greet him back to the fold.

The mask covers his face, covers the worry and the excitement and the fear and the shame and the undeniable pleasure of finally finally getting him back.

Hyuk looks at the crowd, gummy smile blinding. His arms ache to inch closer, his legs want to run away.

Donghae goes in for a hug first, predictably, not that he has ever felt the need to contain his happiness nor his sadnesses, that’s the one thing he wishes Donghae never loses. Then Teuk hyung welcomes him back as Jongwoon films it for the whole world to see. Something so special, and yet it needs to be shared. Like everything else that has ever been important in their lives, the fans should come first. He is grateful. He is grateful that the fans have waited just as much as he did, the fans deserve to see Hyukjae as much as he does, no, more, they deserve more…

Hyukjae’s arms go around his shoulders before he can make sense of it or make sure to hold his phone properly, his heart beating irregularly like a thunderstorm. He wishes this moment to last forever, he wishes it hasn’t happened yet. He wasn’t ready, he wasn’t prepared, they shouldn’t have seen, no he didn’t want to share these emotions building in his chest with anyone, not the fans, not the press, not his members and not Hyukjae, not when he looks so happy to be with them again.

Does he feel it too?

He hates this feeling of terror, in and around him each time Hyukjae is too close, but heightened whenever he goes far away. He is back, he is back, it fucking hurts but he is finally, finally back.

Before he can even think of letting him go, he finds that he has already pushed Hyukjae into Donghee’s waiting arms.

The reporters yell at them to stand in proper formation so they can take pictures and be done with It.

It’s formal, it’s important, most important of all it is allowed. He leans in, nudges his way nearer, holds the back of Eunhyuk’s neck, revels in the feeling of the warmth there, the back of his hair natural and up in spikes.

Hyukjae leans into it.

His palm tingles, he is grateful for the mask.

*

It is kind of relief how quickly they are shipped off to Japan because after two years of absence he doesn’t trust himself not to take a wrong step.

He spends whatever free time he has helping around the cafe, sits long hours in the dark of his room, and refuses to come out when Jongjin calls for dinner.

*

_After that one award show in 2012, Hyukjae corners him in the bathroom and kisses him until his lips are bruised, until the make up noona has to put on extra foundation before the final stage, laughing at a joke in her head as he stares at his own eyes in the mirror._

_She probably thinks he hooked up with a girl group member under the stairs._

_That would have been better._

_*_

He hasn’t spent this much time in the company since he was a trainee. Hasn’t spent this much time alone, period. Hyungs are busy with their shows, something he felt bitter about for a while but now feels grateful because they have a home ground to promote in. It’s not the first time he has promoted these last two years, but it has been such a long time since he has stood upon the stage with his members that it’s probably a good idea to fall back into the trainee mindset… not that it would guarantee success but each time he stands in the practice room alone, looking at the mirror and see the bags under his eyes he can’t help but think he needs to do more.

Ok, it’s scary, he is old enough and experienced enough to admit it.

It’s not even that they have been forgotten by the public and that the fans have left for young fresh faces but it’s him that scares him the most. It’s so fucking scary to have the majority of the high notes, when he isn’t sure if his throat is completely healed or not. Heechul hyung he knows, covered most of his parts back then, but it is very unlikely that he will be in most of the dance songs, especially the title track. Without Kyuhyun and Ryeowook to cover his mistakes… his thoughts turn scarier and scarier each night he spends alone, unable to sleep, yearning for a comfort that he has denied himself.

Today, one of the producer hyungs makes him go over the songs one by one as they record the Korean versions. The studio is cold and dark, he is chilled to the bone under his worn sweatshirt and pants.

He needs to get it done before they manage to clear up the schedules for the members.

He clears his throat, takes a sip from the nearly empty bottle of water, and they start the recording again.

*

_He finds Hyukjae crying on the floor, hands shaking as he reaches out, begging for Jongwoon to stay. It’s only one of the many horribly tense days they had during this tour, it is honestly surprising Hyukjae has waited this long to break under the pressure._

_He falls onto his knees next to him, the carpet burns his knees, bare because he has already changed into pajama shorts. He cradles Hyukjae’s head close, hair coarse with gel and spray and sweat, lets him breathe at the crook of his neck for a while._

_Jongwoon spends the night holding him, singing meaningless seventies ballad in a foreign hotel room until the break of dawn._

_The next day Eunhyuk and Yesung danced on stage, back to back and standing way apart from each other when the time came to give their bows._

*

He thinks you don’t really realize how much people have grown unless you stop and take a good look.

Some go through major traumas, with Heechul hyung and his ever-changing moods he was as easy to read as a painting on sand for example. With Kyuhyun and Ryeowook, Yesung can usually see the pain coming before it hits their expression, though maybe that too will also change after they come back from serving.

Now he can see clearly that those changes he didn’t really perceive in himself once he came back as a singer affect the trio who have recently returned to their careers. It is probably the most obvious with Donghae, who under his suave expression and well-developed muscles, seems more nervous than he ever was in the last fifteen years Yesung has known him.

The boy who finally became a man, the man who writes their songs now.

It’s a beautiful sight to see.

For Yesung, he has always been one of the members who were forced to grow up quickly and perhaps because of the image that was pushed onto them or perhaps because as the hyungs they wanted the younger ones to keep their childish innocence as much as they could, their younger members have always seemed like those young kids who used to follow them around way back then. The kids they bought food for, the kids who bothered them endlessly, the kids they took care of when they got sick.

Now he understands, a part of him had this sacred notion, this sacred duty… not as much as Teuk hyung of course, but he did feel responsible.

Perhaps that’s why he always felt guilty, treated whatever it was that grew in those dark hours and under the bright stage lights as something he needed to feel ashamed by. Reaching for something he didn’t have a right to touch, soiling something he had promised to protect. For how close they are in age, in their careers, in their lives, he always felt like he kept getting stuck at a line that was not meant for him to cross.

He still does, feel responsible, for the group, for the album, with everyone waiting for him to be the only main vocal for the first time… but no. That’s not what he means. That’s not the kind of responsibility that used to keep him awake at night at twenty-one. He can see it in the way Donghae holds himself now, though tired and bouncing on his feet with nervous energy, he doesn’t look like a kid to him anymore.

A paradigm shifts, Jongwoon slumps back to the sofa and watches as Donghae gives instructions for the cords in the second verse. Broad shoulders, strong back, a tan line on the back of his neck, his voice nasal from the cold.

He is not a kid anymore.

He is a man who has done his duty to his country, he is an artist who is directing the production of their new song.

Perhaps for the first time, he is the one who is giving clear instructions for Jongwoon to follow.

“-and this is where hyung should come in.”

“Yes, yes, I can do that.”

*

_And? So what?_

_Hyukjae comes to his room the night before he enlists._

_But that was neither the beginning or the end of a fairy tale._

_*_

Donghae and Jdub leave around 2 am with hushed goodbyes as Yesung assures them that they will be fine and it will take them just a minute to finish up and that regardless of the bad example Donghae has shown, after more than 10 years in the job they do know their ways around a recording studio… at least enough not to set expensive equipment on fire.

Hyukjae continues to munch on a chocolate bar at the table, unaware of the farewells as neck-deep as he is into the lyrics that just don’t work, he doesn’t even acknowledge Donghae.

He makes sure the door is properly locked, because well, safety and secrecy and all that comes with preparing an album at such odd hours because nearly all members have other schedules and Yesung has honestly forgotten that you are supposed to sleep at night at this point.

“So for the eighth track, it would make much more sense if you come in here instead of...”

*

_“_ _But what if I want to talk about it?”_

_“After.”_

_“After what? After you come back? After I go? After we stop? Will_ _it_ _ever stop?”_

_“We have to, one day.”_

_“N_ _o, we won’t_ _.”_

_*_

Headphones still on, he can hear his own frantic, pathetic heart beating in the deafening silence of the recording booth. Hyukjae catches his gaze from the other side of the window, refuses to let go.

_Standing still, but I feel dizzy._

“See-” he doesn’t hear himself say, its all a murmur hidden under the loud thump thump thump of his idiotic heart which has suddenly found the courage it has been lacking for years and years, it seems. “this is how you need to do it”.

He thinks he smiles at him, at this point, it is almost impossible to say because his own heartbeat is making him dizzy, his vision slowly blacking out.

He doesn’t see Hyukjae enter the room, doesn’t hear him. But from one second to next, his hot breath is all over him, a faint smell of strawberry milk in the air, and the expensive as fuck headphones are whipped away, saved from hitting the floor by the over stretching of the cord that wraps itself around their legs by the force of Hyukjae’s hands grasping his cheeks, his scalp stinging from the sharp pain as teeth clash against his with the force of a tornado.

The headphones are gone but the frantic heartbeat gets louder, louder, louder until he needs to break away to breathe lest he really does fall down to his knees.

A moment of absolute silence.

One of Hyukjae’s hands settles around his neck, warm, if a bit moist. The index finger of the other comes to his lip, testing, feeling the harsh sounds of breath escaping his chapped lips.

*

His hands go to Hyukjae’s belt, unbidden, he wouldn’t dare to control them now, couldn’t even if he wanted to. They slide up, the skin underneath his fingers smoother than the soft hot breath against his neck. He can feel the muscles Hyukjae built, more defined now after his enlistment, his short fingernails getting caught in the dips and bumps before finally stopping at a sharp hip bone, squeezing until a sound finally pierces the deafening silence of the recording booth.

“Hyung~”

_*_

_The first time they spend the night together, well not really, in a hotel room that has a huge balcony opening to the Manila sky, he doesn’t open the curtains all night, too scared that the light from the stars is bright enough for the paparazzi to catch a glimpse._

_Silly, foolish, irresponsible._

_But they won’t stop._

_Kisses in complete darkness, for hours going down and down, they burn so hot that it feels like the curtains are set on fire._

_*_

Heechul hyung comes to sit next to him, bony knees and shoulders touching even though the couch is pretty comfortable for three or four. He has had a recording all day, the schedule he has managed to built up for himself over the last two years keeping him away from the idol life. He looks as tired as Yesung feels but determined to sink his fingers into the album, bleed if need be.

There are a lot of exaggerations in their lives, a trick of the trade, the glam, and the magic but the pain they have always pushed back, and Heechul hyung has always been as silent as a cat about it so that they wouldn’t know, so that they would forget until it became too much and the pain just oozed out of him. 

Right now he looks more tired than anything, and the gleam in his eyes, the love he has for the group is there when he pushes a paper cup at his hands.

With him at least, it’s a solace to be the younger one.

He doesn’t open his mouth to speak, not when he has been here since early morning recording and re-recording until his throat is so sore that it burns to swallow.

He misses Kyuhyun, he misses Ryewook and Sungmin and Youngwoon hyung.

He sips from the cup gingerly, face twisting into something ugly as he tastes the honey, half of the bottle no doubt dumped into it by Heechul hyung himself, who watches with stern eyes making sure he will swallow it.

It’s funny how now and then he can still feel like a teenager with them.

*

_The showers are cold at night, they haven’t turned on the lights, too scared of trainers who regularly patrol the halls, or Junsu and Donghae who always look for ways to prank the other trainees._

_Hyukjae’s knees buckle under the lukewarm water and Jongwoon comes to hard that tears mix with the lukewarm water._

_After, Jongwoon makes him promise, “never again.”_

_*_

“ So, we will start the choreography on Tuesday… it all really should be wrapped up by next week if possible. It’s a bit tight this time but really nothing we are not used to right?”

Across the expense of the white tables, Jungsoo hyung keeps explaining the ins and outs of a crazy high tempo schedule at least half of them won’t be able to keep up with. Next to him, Hyukjae keeps sucking on the straw of  the ice americano with only the ice left in it. He looks deliciously flushed still. 

The cameras installed in the room are turned off for the day but Heechul hyung is still discreet at he steps on Jongwoon’s sneaker-covered toes with his plastic slippers. A warning, barely there. 

He turns to his side to find hyung smiling knowingly at him. 

After, Donghae drags Hyukjae to the studio to run by a D&E dance, Hyukjae’s eyes linger on the two of them sitting farthest away in the room. 

Hyung laughs and laughs once the door is closed behind them, as much as he wants to beat him with his own slippers there is nothi n g Jongwoon can do to make him stop except bury his head in his arms and groan.

Teukie hyung comes behind them, effectively stopping Heechul hyung by softly grabbing a handful of hair. His other hand falls on Yesung’s shoulder.

“I’m happy for you.”  _Be careful._

_*_

_“Don’t...don’t walk away from me….don't.”_

*

They will break each other's hearts.

They will fight and burn to ruins and then Donghae will refuse to talk to him and Ryeowook will refuse to talk to them once he gets back and then the group will disband and they will ruin everything.

He looks at himself in the wall-length mirror, sweat dripping from his bangs to his neck from dancing to the same song for twenty times,

He drops his head back and groans to the floor, feet, and ass refusing to get up from the corner of the room he has fallen into. The thoughts sweep in, always looking for a moment of weakness and he has never been able to get strong enough to defeat them. He had believed for a while, but no, even that had been an act. Act like it was okay to sing with one-third of your group, act as if it was easy to have a solo album, act as if you are handling the upcoming album perfectly well, act and act and smile and make it work until you make it through. The motto of the Super Junior hyungs.

Well, he is not strong enough as hyungs, who at least seem to manage to keep it together in public.

He groans and tries to keep his eyes closed but the music is stopped and Hyukjae runs to his side with a half-full bottle, _his._ He kneels down, eyes full of concern.

“Are you ok, hyung?”

He nods and goes to stand up, but a hand to his chest pulls him back down.

“Rest for a bit, your heart is beating very fast right now.”

_How can it not when you are all around me, seeping into my bones?_

They are in the middle of a choreography meeting, their choreographer is in the room, the managers and cameramen and people from SM he hasn’t even met before.

Siwon takes Tony aside to tell him something in private. Leeteuk hyung and Donghae go through the moves as If nothing weird is happening in their midst, as if this is just perfectly normal, as if it's all they can see through the mirror.

He can’t breathe.

“Hyung, c’mon breathe with me.”

Hyukjae takes Jongwoon’s hand and puts it onto his own chest. Under the red sweat-soaked t-shirt his heart beats calmly, surely. He guides him through a series of breathing exercises.

“Just like that…. “ his hand is brought down, Hyukjae shuffles a bit to his legs. “...you fell on your left ankle right? Is it ok, let me see…”

There is nothing weird with that request except his hand is suddenly on his ankle, right in the middle of a room full of people and full of mirrors.

“Does he need to go to the infirmary?” Dognhee asks as he comes next to them with a towel wrapped around his head.

“Just ice should be fine I think, can you hyung?”

“Sure, I’ll get some from the cafeteria”.

They sit together on the couch, with Hyukjae’s hand gently pressing the ice to his ankle as they watch the practice continue. Nothing seems amiss, they don’t even look back to see how he is doing let alone to see if anything inappropriate is going on, and surprisingly, he doesn’t cry.

*

“Ok, talk to me”.

The shooting for the MV has ended for today.

They have stayed silent in the car, as they have the week before. Hyukjae seems to be understanding more than anything, but he always has been. He was the one who had always been brave enough to reach out and brave enough to let go when Jongwoon has needed space. Now, even though it has finally been him who has reached out and who have taken him, finally, back into his arms, he can’t help but think how unfair this must feel to Hyukjae, how his patience must be running thin, how he deserves so much more than Jongwoon is willing to offer to him.

He is so selfish, even after all this time, trying to keep Hyukjae all to himself when he deserves so much more.

In the eve of a new album, just after he has come back into the public eye, he is being forced into long-strained silences in the dark again.

Hyukjae doesn’t say much of anything and a soccer game plays in the background as they heat up some leftover food from two days ago.

It’s peaceful, domestic, warm.

It makes tears burn his eyes.

He is so tired, Hyukjae who has wiped all the make up from his face looks so small and tired.

It would be enough, to be just the two of them, tired enough to drop off to sleep on the dining table. But they do have another shoot scheduled for the early morning and the day after and the make up and the masks have to be put back on in a couple of hours.

Teuk hyung comes down to Hyukjae’s house shortly after dinner.

Hyukjae takes his hand is his, the action automatic, unconscious, ready to protect Jongwoon from the one person who he respects the most.

Eyes defiant. Not defying the authority of the leader, no, but daring him to take his hand back. The strength of his grip makes Jongwoon gulp, makes him feel like a coward. He brings Hyukjae’s hand to his lap.

_Not anymore, not anymore, not anymore._

Like a mantra, say it a million times and true love will prevail.

Say it a billion, just to make sure you won't eff it up with something as stupid as cowardice.

Teuk hyung huffs, pulling up a chair and sitting down for the long haul. Looking back now, Heechul hyung had been a warning signal or perhaps he tipped the upper level because time is running short and he knows Jongwoon enough to know that he will find a way to fuck this up no matter how hard Hyukjae is trying.

“No, something is wrong. Tell me what is wrong.”

They stay silent.

Hyukjae because he knows he is expecting him to speak. Jongwoon, because he can’t find the words. If he could, he would have told them to Hyukjae already. He has to believe that he would, that he is truly trying…

“Its unfair to the rest of the guys if we start promoting like this. Look, I talked to Heechul and… I understand ok, we all do. So sort whatever shit you need to sort out before I need to put you two in front of a live camera. Just don’t mess it up again.”

*

_No one can hold a proper conversation after Incheon. It’s the shittiest feeling in the world to have to hold a crying Ryeowook and not to be able to tell him that they are going to be fine again._

*

“I’m scared”

He buries his head in Hyukjae’s neck. It has only been a couple of weeks sleeping in this alien bed like this, it already smells like home. Hyukjae’s sweatshirt is soft under his fingers in the dark, it feels like the first time they have lain together, and really that’s not really a lie, all the other times have been fast and filled with denied passion, or a secret kept in the dark, this… being so close that they are sweating from the proximity alone, just lying side by side, so close that their breaths are intertwined ...it’s a first.

He wants it to be forever.

He always yearns for the the unachievable.

“Me too.”

He finds Hyukjae’s hand, entwines their fingers. A caress upon each fingertip, bringing their hands closer to his chest as the settle down more comfortably on the mattress. Breathing slow and matching their heartbeats to one others.

A calm moment in the gentle morning light, hours before they need to be at the studio, together. They can have these moments too, where it doesn’t hurt to have your heart beat or gulp down the cold night air. They can have the warmth of the well slept bed in the morning and the lazy or the rushed breakfast or nonsensical conversations with Donghae and Heechul hyung during recording breaks.

They can come back and watch whatever game that is on and eat leftovers and fight and laugh and it will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok if they can just be allowed to stay like this, breath like this, have their hearts beat like this.

“If we get chicken for lunch today, you have to back me up and vote for honey. This-” Hyukjae yanks on their hands and Jongwoon makes sure to hold on strong, “-means we get honey chicken today.”

Jongwoon laughs, voice throaty so early in the morning.

He nods, snuggles closer.

*

_Their first win with U is the first time Hyukjae throws his whole body at him, clinging so tight, face full of tears and ecstasy for the whole world to see. He hugs him back, tighter, closer, drowning in this feeling of victory that creates one single perfect moment that can be described as love._

*

He falls down to his knees in the middle of the stage, throat hoarse, confetti falling down on his face. Behind him the members jump up, and the melody breaks down.

The crowd roars but he belts higher.

He knows the moment they touch the ground together, they have practiced for it a hundred, a thousand times until the beat of the melody became the beat of their hearts and it meshed with the beat of their shoes on the stage.

It feels as natural as breathing to get up and take his place next to Hyukjae, to fall back into the choreography, so natural that he doesn’t even break the note he is holding as he stumbles on his own feet, Hyukjae’s laugh so loud that the whole stadium can hear it through the speakers.

His members continue with the song, as practiced, as natural, as they are always, together.

*

_“In ten years, twenty, I will still be by your side.”_

_“Sure, sure, I will hold you to that promise.”_

_“Fifty hyung… be careful.”_

_Kibum snorts into his corn flakes next to him, Jongwoon pulls on one of Hyukjae’s newly acquired earrings to keep him quiet. He yelps and swats the offending hand away. It must have hurt but he keeps laughing._

_“I will convince your grandkids to bury me next to you, just you see, just you see!”_

**Author's Note:**

> When I first started this it was about how unspoken feelings erupted recording the Play album... as it progressed and my broken mind took over it suddenly became a mess of tangled bitter emotions and hurtful memories... but I did give you a happy ending so really, please don't be too pissed off at me!


End file.
